Why Perfectionism Feels Safe & How to Break Free
As first seen on Mat Matterz Blog.
Perfectionism isn’t something we’re born with. From a young age, many of us are taught, directly or indirectly, that worth comes from flawless performance. Schools reward perfect grades, workplaces praise tireless productivity, social media showcases highlight reels, and achievement can be associated with love or approval. These repeated experiences can make it feel like being anything less than perfect is risky. Enter perfectionism as a way to regulate our emotions and feel safe.
Perfectionism is often described as a valued personality trait, a work style, or even a badge of honor. While that’s not always the case, perfectionism often functions as a way to manage uncomfortable emotions. Pushing yourself to get all the details “right” (based on “rules” that may be made-up stories in our heads or our perception of what others might think) can make you feel less anxious, less ashamed, or “good enough.”
Perfectionism isn’t usually about perfect outcomes so much as it’s about control. Control gives us a way to soothe intense emotions in the short term (though not in the long term). Anxiety might whisper, “Get it right so nothing bad will happen.” Shame might insist, “Be perfect so no one sees your flaws.” Fear of rejection might push, “Do everything flawlessly so you’ll be accepted.”
In this way, perfectionism works a bit like a short-term painkiller. It blunts emotional discomfort in the moment. And like any short-term coping strategy, it can create long-term costs, such as burnout, reinforced self-criticism, avoidance of new opportunities, and a constant feeling that you’re “never enough.”
If perfectionism is your go-to coping strategy, it’s helpful to build a more balanced toolkit for regulating emotions. Here are some practices to try:
Mindful awareness of emotions: Notice emotions in your body without judgment, allowing them to pass naturally. The more we judge an emotion as something we “shouldn’t” have, the stickier it becomes and the longer it lingers.
Make room for discomfort: Notice anxiety or shame without rushing to solve it. We often try to problem-solve our way out of emotions. Instead, allow the feeling to be there and try naming it.
Self-soothing through the senses: Engage sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell to calm the nervous system. Grounding in the present can help remind you of facts rather than the stories your brain tells you are facts.
Self-compassion practices: When you notice harsh inner dialogue, respond with kindness. Remind yourself that emotions are normal, you’re doing your best, and mistakes happen.
Defuse (create distance) from perfectionistic thoughts: Instead of “I have to get this perfect,” try “I’m having the thought that I have to get this perfect.” This creates space between you and the thought. Remember: you are not your thoughts, and thoughts and emotions are not facts.
Opposite action: If perfectionism urges you to over-prepare, intentionally do something “good enough” and sit with the discomfort this brings. Shift from “most efficient” to “still effective.”
Practice flexibility in small doses: Leave minor imperfections (a typo in an email, a slightly crooked yoga mat, a few wrinkles in your shirt) and riding the wave of discomfort.
Perfectionism can feel protective, and it often keeps us stuck in a cycle of anxiety, overwork, and self-criticism. By building a wider set of emotion regulation strategies, you can be in the driver’s seat of your life instead of your emotions.