Feeling Your Feelings: What Does That Actually Mean
“Feeling your feelings” has a nice ring to it and gives you little practical context to actually understand what that means. Emotions are a complex topic and trying to experience them can feel abstract.
Our brains work hard to avoid discomfort, and often emotions are uncomfortable. Many people default to avoiding their emotions altogether. Some are taught to swallow their emotions to make others comfortable. Emotions are also often minimized in what can feel like the “suffering Olympics” as in, if it’s not the worst, then it can’t be discussed. Our brains are miraculous organs that value productivity and do what works. So if we’ve decided that avoiding emotions “works” (at least in the short term), our brains may continue doing it automatically and without us even realizing it.
The primary goal of “feeling your feelings” is to practice noticing. We’re adopting a sense of curiosity to ask ourselves where we feel the experience in our bodies. Is your chest tight? Is your heart racing? Is your body heavy? We may also try to name the emotion. It’s absolutely normal to try on a few different labels before finding one (or a few) that fit. Is this feeling shame? Disappointment? Sadness? Relief? All of them? Putting words to your experience can be powerful and grounding. “I feel disappointed in myself.” “I feel an emptiness.” Try to avoid judgments or “should” statements. Emotions are emotional, not rational or logical. Sometimes we can pinpoint what is activating an emotion, and sometimes we can’t and that’s okay. Knowing that all emotions are temporary can help us experience them, even if we don’t necessarily understand them. Think of emotions as waves. They ebb and flow. The more you try to avoid them, ignore them, or hold on to them, the more difficult they are to manage.
It can be helpful to consider the juice when struggling with the squeeze. Practicing experiencing your emotions can help you understand different patterns, be more emotionally flexible, increase your capacity to ride the waves of emotions, build healthier relationships, and engage in value-driven behavior instead of emotion-driven behavior.
Here are some steps to help you practice:
Pause & Breathe
Pause for the moment. Take a deep breath. Notice physical sensations: tightness, heaviness, tension. That can help ground you.
Check In Regularly
Use a journal or voice note. Once a day (or more), ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now, really?” Even a word or phrase (“tired,” “rage,” “relieved,” “bad”) helps.
Ask Why, Gently
Once you name something, you can ask: “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” For example, sadness might mean loss; anger might mean a boundary was crossed; fear might mean a threat (real or perceived).
Self-Compassion
If you were having this feeling, what would you need? Kindness? Space? Perhaps a friend saying, “I see you.” Try treating yourself as you would someone you care for.
Use Creative Outlets
Drawing, music, movement, or writing can help express what words can’t. Sometimes silence, music, or dancing in your room allows a feeling to breathe.
Set Boundaries With Rumination
It’s possible to feel and overthink. When you catch yourself spinning, gently shift: walk, change the environment, talk with someone, or meditate.
Remember, most of us weren’t taught how to experience our feelings. It will likely take some practice. Reach out to a trusted person or mental health professional when needed. Try grounding yourself in your five senses by naming your surroundings (five things you see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste) to re-anchor. Take small sips of your emotions instead of trying to drink from the firehose. And lastly, remember that emotions change. None of them last forever.